Wild creature

It’s 3 AM and I’m still up, just finished watching another episode of my favorate tv show and eating a sandwich.I would kill for a Cosmopolitan right now while smoking my favorate Malboro cigarettes. But in stead of doing something about it I just turned on my tv on Animal Planet. Aint that lame: eating sandwiches at this hour while I’m on diet and wondering about my life?

The fact is: I am homeless for now and I’m living with a friend who’s happy to keep me here in this tiny apartment. Yea, I am sparing some money that i don’t have, but why I’m not that happy about it? Why do I feel like I’m locked inside a cage that I cannot escape? I am a free bird, but now I feel exposed at the Zoo, my pants on my knees and without a bra. Then why am I doing it? I always said that I’ll do just the things that made me happy. In fact, I swore to do so. Giving up my independence is like  having sex for money in public: scandalous and miserable.

I am a 20-and-something independent woman that usually can face her problems, but now I ran away and I feel like scum. If I can’t watch my self in the mirror without the need to brake it, how can other people see me? And the worse part is that I have this feeling in a looong time and just now I realized it, while I was smoking my cigarette in the kitchen at 3 am in the morning. I always had my smoke in my room with a glass of wine, soda or just water and this thing got my attention. -How come that I didn’t see it before? You can’t tame a wild animal. Giving up my freedom is the only thing that I cannot do and no one should do. All my habits are part of me and I cannot give a part of me just because some other thing will be fine.  No! I have to rise up to my feet and walk again as a strong women and give up the easy parts!

You just shouldn’t let no one tame you, even if with the best intentions in the world. Love you independence and your privacy, LOVE YOURSELF as you SHOULD!